Posted by
m0t0r1zed on Monday, October 13, 2008 7:03:50 PM
Barack Obama in ye olden tongue, the ancient language of birds before the Fall of Man, is often loosely translated as "Master of the Undead" but the technically correct translation is "Community Organizer of Dead Names."
It is expected that the height of Obama's necromantic powers will peak during All Hallows Eve, when many will wear masks featuring either his likeness or the outward facade of his dreaded lich nemesis, McCain the Ancient, who is rumored to be over 10,000 yrs. old and unable to send e-mail or text messages due to his mummified state. [Note: in ye olden tongue, John McCain roughly translates into "Grumpy McClub-to-the-Head"]
The ceremony determining the ascension to power occurs the following week when both the living and the dead (but not the young, who are too damn lazy to vote) shall rise from their deep lethargy to cast ballots on broken shards of pottery and declare allegiances to their ineffectual potentate. It is during these dire hours that the organized communities of the dead will vote en masse, especially in battleground states, and the living must be wary lest they be devoured.
To ward off the dead, it is advised that you carry garlic, silver, and water blessed by the Holy Father with you at all times during your perilous pilgrimage to the Booth of Voting. Do not bother carrying any forms of ID which will only weigh you down. They won't be necessary, although they could be useful for identifying your rotting, half-eaten carcass should you get waylaid by revenants.
If you are a knight-errant or a vassal with no castle or voting district, please contact ACORN. They will supply you with a bath, a shave, lots of mead, and van trips to many Booths of Voting.
After the Judgment of the Electors has been decreed by the screeching harpies and officious, dung throwing yahoos of Media, the Defeated One will be cast out of society and imprisoned in the dark abyss of iniquity mockingly referred to as "The Senate." Within those foul, reeking chambers, the defeated brethren will scheme new plots of treachery to be unleashed upon the world when they shall emerge again to kiss hands and shake babies.
Lord help us all.